Why Has Power Persisted in Child-Rearing?

This question, raised so often by parents, has puzzled and challenged me. It is difficult to understand how anyone can justify the use of power in child-rearing or in any human relationship, in the face of what is known about power and its effects on others. Working with parents, I am now convinced that all but a small handful hate to use power over their children. It makes them feel uneasy and often downright guilty. Frequently, parents even apologize to their children after using power. Or they try to assuage their guilt with the usual rationalizations: "We did it only because we have your own welfare in mind," "Someday you'll thank us for this," "When you are a parent, you'll understand why we have to keep you from doing these things."

In addition to having guilt feelings, many parents admit that their power methods are not very effective, especially parents whose children are old enough to have begun rebelling, lying, sneaking, or passively resisting.

I have come to the conclusion that parents over the years have continued to use power because they have had very little, if any, experience in their own lives with people who use nonpower methods of influence. Most people, from childhood on, have been controlled by power--power exercised by parents, schoolteachers, school principals, coaches, Sunday School teachers, uncles, aunts, grandparents, Scout leaders, camp directors, military officers, and bosses. Parents therefore and experience with any other method of resolving conflicts in human relations.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's P.E.T. book

Does Acceptance Need To Be Demonstrated?

Acceptance Must Be Demonstrated

It is one thing for a parent to feel acceptance toward a child; it is another thing to make that acceptance felt. Unless a parent's acceptance comes through to the child, it can have no influence on him. A parent must learn how to demonstrate his acceptance so that the child feels it.

Specific skills are required to be able to do this. Most parents, however, tend to think of acceptance as a passive thing-a state of mind, an attitude, a feeling. True, acceptance does originate from within, but to be an effective force in influencing another, it must be actively communicated or demonstrated. I can never be certain that I am accepted by another until he demonstrates it in some active way.

The professional psychological counselor or psychotherapist, whose effectiveness as a helping agent is so greatly dependent on his being able to demonstrate his acceptance of the client, spends years learning ways to implement this attitude through his own habits of communication. Through formal training and long experience, professional counselors acquire specific skills in communicating acceptance. They learn that what they say makes the difference between their being helpful or not.

Talk can cure, and talk can foster constructive change. But it must be the right kind of talk.

The same is true for parents. How they talk to their children will determine whether they will be helpful or destructive. The effective parent, like the effective counselor, must learn how to communicate his acceptance and acquire the same communication skills.

Parents in our classes skeptically ask, "Is it possible for a nonprofessional like myself to learn the skills of a professional counselor?" Thirty years ago we would have said, "No." However, in our classes we have demonstrated that if is possible for most parents to learn how to become effective helping agents for their children. We know now that it is not knowledge of psychology or an intellectual understanding about people that makes a good counselor. It is primarily a matter of learning how to talk to people in a "constructive" way.

Psychologists call this "therapeutic communication," meaning that certain kinds of messages have a "therapeutic" or healthy effect on people. They make them feel better, encourage them to talk, help them express their feelings, foster a feeling of worth or self-esteem, reduce threat or fear, facilitate growth and constructive change.

Other kinds of talk are "nontherapeutic" or destructive. These messages tend to make people feel judged or guilty; they restrict expression of honest feelings, threaten the person, foster feelings of unworthiness or low self-esteem, block growth and constructive change by making the person defend more strongly the way he is.

While a very small number of parents possess this therapeutic skill intuitively and hence are "naturals", most parents have to go through a process of first unlearning their destructive ways of communicating and then learning more constructive ways. This means that parents first have to expose their typical habits of communication to see for themselves how their talk is destructive or nontherapeutic. Then they need to be taught some new ways of responding to children.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's P.E.T. book

Any Research Confirming the Benefits of P.E.T.?

SOME RESEARCH FINDINGS CONFIRMING THE BENEFITS OF THE P.E.T. STYLE OF PARENTING

Cedar, Robert B.

A Meta-Analysis of the Parent Effectiveness

Training Outcome Research.

Twenty six studies of P.E.T. were analyzed, using the "meta-analytic technique" of integrating the statistical findings from all the studies. The results showed the P.E.T. training to have strong positive effects on parent attitudes and parent behavior significantly greater than the effect of alternative training approaches. This effect endured at least up to 26 weeks after the course was completed.

Coopersmith, Stanley

Antecedents of Self-esteem.

Mothers whose children had a high self-esteem when compared with mothers whose children had low self-esteem were found to use more reasoning and verbal discussion and less arbitrary punitive discipline.

Strauss, M., Gelles, R. and Steinmetz, S.

Behind Closed Doors: Violence in the American Family.

Nearly 50% of children whose parents employed frequent physical punishment to control them were found to have used retaliatory physical violence (hitting) against their parents, while less than one out of every 400 children whose parents did not employ physical punishment had hit their parents.

Only 20% of children whose parents did not use physical punishment were found to have severely assaulted a brother or sister, while nearly 100% whose parents did use physical punishment were found to have severely assaulted a brother or sister.

Baumrind, D.

Child Care Practices Anteceding Three Patterns of Preschool Behavior.

Children who related high in self-control and self-discipline were found to have parents who refrained from punitive punishment, using instead a reasoning approach - that is, messages that told the children the negative effects of their behavior on others (P.E.T. I-Messages).

Baldwin, A.L. Kalhorn, J. and Breese, F.

Patterns of Parent Behavior.

Children of democratic parents, as compared with those of autocratic or permissive parents, received higher ratings from teachers in originality, planfulness, patience, curiosity. They also held more leadership positions in school, scored higher in emotional adjustment and maturity, and showed an increase in I.Q. over the years.

Parke, R.

Effectiveness of Punishment as an Interaction of Intensity, Timing, Agent Nurturance and Cognitive Structuring.

"Cognitive messages" (P.E.T. I-Messages) were more influential than punishment in preventing children from playing with prohibited toys, even in the absence of the researcher. The effects of I-Messages as a deterrent continued over time, whereas the effects of punishment wore off.

*Excerpt from P.E.T. Participant Workbook

Does Parenting Have to Be Scary?

PARENTING DOESN'T HAVE TO BE SO SCARY

Parenthood need not be a different and demanding experience that brings problems, worries and anxiety. One survey by parent trainer, Dr. Harold Minden, found that the responses of hundreds of parents to the question, "How would you rate your parenting experience?" was as follows:

22% answered "fulfilling and positive"

37% answered "moderately fulfilling"

41% answered "frustrating and negative"

Dr. Minden also found that 69% of the satisfied parents said they would enroll in a parent training course, but only 37% of the frustrated and negative parents said they would do so. It appeared they did not recognize the need for assistance in parenting. Those parents typically think that how kids turn out is outside their control--a matter of luck.

We now know without a doubt that parents who take training and learn how to create democratic, non-authoritarian, partnership relationships with both their spouses and their children will build happy marriages and create a "new species of children." Here is a list of the characteristics of this new species:

--> They make sure their own needs get met, yet are sensitive when others may be affected negatively.

--> They are very sensitive to all forms of unfairness they see in their world.

--> They treat their friends the way they have been treated at home--they are good listeners, good counselors, good confronters, good problem-solvers.

--> They are mature for their age, fun-loving, playful.

--> They want their needs met, yet are unselfish, altruistic and giving to others.

--> They have less need to be dependent on other people--yet they have friendships and make friends easily.

--> They are less afraid of being laughed at, less afraid of what people will say, more individualistic.

--> They are relatively unfrightened by the unknown, and they don't just cling to the familiar.

--> They have a high degree of self-acceptance--accepting the way they are, yet this somehow frees them to change and improve themselves.

*Excerpt from Family Effectiveness Training (F.E.T.) Adult Resource Book

Can't I Teach My Values?

This is one of the most frequently asked questions in P.E.T., for most parents have a strong need to transmit their most cherished values to their offspring. Our answer is: "Of course--not only can you teach your values but inevitably you will." Parents cannot help but teach kids their values, simply because children are bound to learn their parents' values by observing what their mothers and fathers do, and hearing what they say.

THE PARENTS AS A MODEL

Parents, like many other adults with whom children will come into contact as they grow up, will be models for them. Parents are continuously modeling for their offspring--demonstrating by their actions, even louder than by their words, what they value or believe.

Parents can teach their values by actually living them. If they want their children to value honesty, parents must daily demonstrate their own honesty. If they want their children to value generosity, they must behave generously. If they want their children to adopt "Christian" values, they must behave like Christians themselves. This is the best way, perhaps the only way, for parents to "teach" children their values.

"Do as I say, not as I do" is not an effective approach in teaching kids their parents' values. "Do as I do," however, may have a high probability of modifying or influencing a child.

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's P.E.T. book

What Can Effective I-Messages Do?

WHAT EFFECTIVE I-MESSAGES CAN DO

I-Messages can produce startling outcomes. Parents frequently report that their children express surprise on learning how their parents really feel. They tell their parents:

"I didn't know I was bugging you so much."

"I didn't know it really upset you."

"Why didn't you tell me how you felt before?"

"You really have strong feelings about this, don't you?"

Children, not unlike adults, often don't know how their behavior affects others. In the pursuit of their own goals they are often totally unaware of the impact their behavior might have. Once they are told, they usually want to be more considerate. Thoughtlessness frequently turns into thoughtfulness, once a child understands the impact of his behavior on others.

Mrs. H reported an incident during their family vacation. Their small children had been very loud and boisterous in the back of the minivan. Mrs. H. and her husband had been resentfully enduring the racket, but finally Mr. H. could stand no more. He braked the car abruptly, pulled off the road and announced, "I just can't stand all this noise and jumping around in the back. I want to enjoy my vacation and I want to have fun when I'm driving. But, damn it, when there is noise back there, I get nervous and I hate to drive. I feel I have a right to enjoy this vacation, too."

The kids were startled by this pronouncement and said so. They hadn't realized that their carrying-on way back in the minivan was in any way distressing their father. They apparently thought their father could take it. Mrs. H. reported that after this incident, the children were much more considerate and drastically reduced their horseplay.

*Excerpt from Dr. Gordon's P.E.T. book

What Are Some Active Listening Lead-Ins?

ACTIVE LISTENING LEAD-INS

It is helpful to use a variety of expressions when you Active Listen. Repetition of one phrase such as "Sounds like..." or "You feel..." rapidly becomes irritating to your child and comes across as a technique rather than a genuine, natural and empathic response.

Practice using different words as you Active Listening. One way to develop your Active Listening is to think about starting with only one part. This can be either listening to "Facts", thoughts, ideas, information, or listening only to "Feelings".

Some examples are:

ACTIVE LISTENING TO FACTS (especially good in the No Problem Area)

• The fact is...
• You think...
• The idea you have is...
• What you are saying is...
• Your view is...
• You believe...

ACTIVE LISTENING TO FEELINGS

• You feel...
• It's really...
• So you feel...
• Looks like...
• Sounds like you are...
• Seems like your feeling...

Relax, make your Active Listening as natural as possible. Using analogies that are age and interest appropriate are also good ways to develop a more natural variety of Active Listening responses.

Lead-ins include:

ACTIVE LISTENING TO FACTS AND FEELINGS

• You feel...about...
• Its...when...
• You can't...and that's...
• You're really...because...
• The way you see it is..and that's...
• When...you're really...
• You are...that...

In it's complete form Active Listening includes both the "Facts" (content) and the Feelings.

• It's like being hit by a truck
• You feel your teacher really nailed you to the wall
• You got hung out to dry
• She really shot you down (military or video gaming)
• So it's like you really struck out (sports)

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's P.E.T. Participant Workbook